Bowen White Blog

the final common pathway of learning, last four

We all have learned not to run into the street without looking both directions. We all learned that "right way" just like we learned how to do many other things "right", "well". But we learned by making mistakes and the feedback was usually accompanied with physical punishment or some other form of diminishment. What's that? Not punishment but diminishing, belittling feedback.

"What's wrong with you?"   "Won't you ever learn?" "Bad boy/girl, aren't you ashamed of yourself?"

Shame based learning leaves the child wounded on the path to learning the correct, right way of traveling through the world. Those messages get embedded into the fragile psyches of children. Then, when the child makes a mistake, the tape instantly repeats the negative self-talk:

"What's wrong with me?"  "I never learn."

The implications are myriad but for now recognize that once those tapes are made they impede the learning process. The child tries something new, fails, and feels bad. (Were we not told that we should feel bad when we make mistakes!?) How do they stop the bad feelings? Stop trying the new thing. Go back to what you already know how to do the "right way".

Retreating from the new learning experience to the safe psychological space of competency, make sense. But in terms of unfolding giftedness that safe space is a "right way" trap. The lid it places on new learning closes out the risk of failing. It also limits the child's ability to experience the adventure of life. Without risk taking there can be no adventure. What approach explodes open the door for the adventure of limitless learning? Anything worth doing is worth doing right? Wrong!! Anything worth doing is worth doing wrong.

the final common pathway of learning, part 3

And, get this, punishment wasn’t required. Being encouraging, supportive was. What the heck happened? Don’t know. But something definitely happened. Our three year old runs into the street. We grab him, carry him back into the yard, give him a couple of swats on his bum, he screams in response and our startled spouse come running out to see what happened.

“What’s wrong?”

“Jimmy just ran out into the street. Luckily I saw him before anything bad happened. I grabbed him and gave him a spanking to teach him never to do that again. That’s why he’s crying.”   “Oh, Gawd, how scary. I just can’t take my eyes off you for a second.  Now, come in here right this minute. You’ll have to stay in the house with me.”

Why? Why can’t Jimmy stay out in the yard and play? After all dad, through spanking, through punishment, just taught him never to run into the street again. Why can’t Jimmy stay out front? Don’t be silly, you say. He hasn’t learned that yet. He’s only three.

Exactly. We learn by trial and error. Punishment isn’t required. But, feedback is: “Jimmy, you scare the life out of me. I’m sorry that I grabbed you like that but sit here for a while with me and watch. Do you see those cars go speeding down the street? If you run out there a car could hit you and hurt you. We don’t want you to get hurt. Here, take my hand. Let’s go down to the curb. See how fast they go. It’s not safe to play out here. If the ball goes into the street, you might forget and run after it. Instead, come get your mother or me and we’ll help. Remember, never run out into the street. Let’s go back there and have some fun. OK?”

the final common pathway of learning, part 2

Did I keep you in suspense? The final common pathway of learning is TRIAL AND ERROR. In other words, we earn our learning the old fashioned way, one mistake at a time. Notice a little cognitive dissonance here? There is only one way, the "right way", yet the only way to learn that "right way" is by screwing up! And, why don't people know the answer, why don't they just shout it out?  Making Mistakes!  It's part of normal not being healthy. We only know how to celebrate our victories, not our defeats, mistakes or losses. We have the employee of the year awards. But, have you ever been to a mistake of the month meeting?

Here in the Excited States of Amnesia we've forgotten what our hunter-gatherer ancestors knew. Life will teach you what you need to learn if you pay attention. Try something, fail. Make adjustments, try again, and fail. Adjust, try, and fail. And what happens when one has failed enough? One learns. Adjusting to the feedback from ongoing experience one continues to learn and eventually new skills are gained. Learning is important. Survival depended upon learning and learning didn't require punishment...

the final common pathway of learning, part 1

I would like the opportunity to invade your thought space for a few seconds. Is yours full? Just kidding. I know you have many other important grownup concerns that could just as easily impinge upon your thinking. Alas, none is more important than what you are about to read. Although it is of vital importance to Adult-Child relationships, it is nonetheless something that is rarely discussed, or even acknowledged.

Regardless of ethnic or cultural differences, there are many things that we share in common. It's important to honor our differences and learn from them. Exposure to difference informs, it educates. However, exploring what we share in common can also educate. For instance, the specifics may vary but in every family system there is the "right way" to do things. And every child in that family has to learn that "right way". Didn't we all hear the same thing: "any thing worth doing is worth doing well", "if you can't do it right, then don't do it at all", etc? But, we're not born with intrinsic knowledge of how to do things "right".

We have to learn. There are different learning styles: auditory, visual and kinesthetic. But what is the final common pathway of learning? I have asked that question to thousands of professionals that work with children. Their answers relect the problem: "experience", "practice", "repetition". These professionals include teachers, educators. So why don't professional educators know the answer? When we see someone do something and try it ourselves, will we do it right the first time? Maybe, if we're lucky. But, more than likely, not. We need practice; repetition, repetition, repetition. Why? Because the final common pathway of learning is ...    (stay tuned)

Let's Be Reasonable

"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." Albert Einstein   (Thanks Greg Tamblyn for this quote at the end of your email)

One might blame the Enlightenment for this state of affairs. Or, perhaps we have forgotten that there are different kinds of reason. There is ecstatic reason and scientific reason. I'm guessing that Einstein's reference was to the latter. Why? Because the former, can be inclusive of intuition. I was ignorant. I hadn't forgotten. I never knew about the concept of ecstatic reason. At first glance, I thought it to be an oxymoron. Rollo May straightened me out. In the Discovery of Being, he writes about "reason as including the capacity to transcend the immediate situation, to grasp the whole, and such functions as intuition, insight, poetic perception were not rigidly excluded. The concept also embraced ethics: reason in the Enlightenment meant justice."

Part of normal-not-being-healthy is that Einstein, while long dead, describes a society that is still present. Perhaps it's time to change that. What do you think?

My Ethical Bias

I've decided, with nudging to write a blog.  It will reflect a particular set of biases, mine.  It's not an advise blog.  It's more, the world according to me.  I don't really know what I'm doing.  I'm OK with that.  But I am interested to see what comes up.  I've written before and have been ruminating about many things with the thought of writing again.  This could be a vehicle for stringing pearls into something wearable in the psyche.

If not, no matter.  I believe in a comedic ethos.

A comedic ethos is one in which expectations are down sized. There is a recognition that a lot of life is about walking around bumping into things.  That bumping into process then provides an opportunity for learning while having a few laughs along the way.  A tragic ethos, on the other hand, is one in which expectations are very high, goals lofty and a lot of people are dead at the end of the play.  That's my take on Joe Meeker's book, The Comedy of Survival.

Take the current military foray into the "cradle of civilization"....tragic or comedic??