Bowen White Blog

Self-compassion gets tested daily

Testing one, two, testing....did you take the test, the self-compassion test yet?  There is a link to it in the last blog.  It's true there is an actual test, 26 questions to determine if you are low, moderate or high in compassion for yourself.  The reason to know is that there are health implications.  Folks that score high are more optimistic and happier with less anxiety and depression.  And they make healthier lifestyle choices about food consumption and issues of weight loss.

This makes perfect sense to me although it may be contrary to popular pundit opinion.  Why? Self acceptance is the beginning of change.  Accepting the actual reality of our common humanity means letting go of perfectionism to appreciate the wonder of our common beauty as we are.  Sure, maybe you do need to lose some weight.  But you don't have to beat yourself up about it to lose it.  In fact, beating yourself up may have just the opposite effect.  The belittling self talk only makes you feel bad about yourself and more likely to then use food as a medicative behavior for those bad feelings.  

Dr. Kristin Neff, who came up with the test, makes the point clearly.  She said that the reason many folks aren't scoring higher is cultural.  "Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be."

I had a patient who was overweight who came in to see me and I noted that she looked great.  It was clear she had lost weight.  I asked her how and she said something that fits in this discussion.  She told me about standing naked in front of a mirror and looking for long periods at her image.  Her goal was to love and accept the person looking back at her in the mirror.  The better she got at doing that, the more she made healthier choices and the more weight she lost.

Here's Dr. Neff, "if you care about yourself, you do what's healthy for you rather than what's harmful to you."

The NY Times article, 3/1/11, says a much shorter test can get at some of what we are talking about here relative to self-compassion.  It's just one question.  Do you treat yourself as well as you treat folks you care about, your friends and family?  If you do, great.  If not, start.  You're worth it.  And you'll lead a healthier life while infecting friends and family by example.

Compassion for others and....

I always enjoy reading the Science Times section of the NY Times on Tuesdays.  In today's WELL article, by Tara Parker-Pope, on the HEALTH page one finds this headline:  Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges.

So I recognize this as another synchronous event and pay attention.  The article makes the point that I have been making here.  That being, part of normal not being healthy is how hard we are on ourselves. We get acculturated to believe that hard work is the secret to success at the same time we learn something else. If you care about doing a good job, shouldn't you be hard on yourself?  Of course!

And you hear it all the time.  "Yep, I'm my own worst enemy."

Remember, our best kept secret is that each of us has feelings of inadequacy that we don't want other folks to know about.  That part of us I call the scared one.  He/she learns to be focused on meeting the needs of others while being neglectful of his/her own needs.  After all, to be that concerned with getting your own needs met is to be what?  SELFISH!  And how can you be selfish and still be seen as a good person.

So we busy ourselves trying to be good people, ones that are accepting, caring and compassionate of others.  At the same time we withhold those same warm emotions from ourselves.  Have compassion for others not for self.  In fact, there is a self-compassion test you can take and those that score low are busy "berating themselves for perceived failures like being overweight or not exercising."

Get this, it turns out "that giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health."  For readers of this blog, both of you, familiar?  

self-compassion.org ....take it, I did.