Our Best Kept Secret part 4
Although we all have feelings of inadequacy, that does not mean we are inadequate.
But if we are unaware that all people have those secret feelings, those feelings can have a great impact on: our behavior, on choices that we make, on our relationships and risk management in general.
This is a key concept as we continue to explore this secret we all share. The secret is, that part of being human means having feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. And we named that part the scared one.
The scared gal/guy inside us is risk averse. He/she likes to repeat familiar behavior sets because doing the familiar downsizes risk. You see, the scared one dislikes change and avoids risk. The motto of the scared one is safety and security at all costs. The safety provided by repeating familiar activity in the field of action equates to security for the insecure.
In doing so, he/she stays safe, hiding behind behaviors in which adequacy has been established. She/he resists change and is quite content with the status quo. OK, maybe not content, but too scared to risk doing something new.
Doing something new, unfamiliar, or something we failed at in the past evokes anxiety. The scared one, driven by fear, is concerned with being exposed as inadequate. He/she is scared about not doing or saying the exact, right, perfect thing. That anxiety is logical because we are risking being seen as inadequate if we fail. So why take the chance?
Good question. Why not stay safe and avoid the anxiety? Why stress ourselves by doing things that cause such discomfort? Why? Because human beings are more than human animals.
We have the animal part of our nature which is concerned with any threat to survival. But survival is not enough and animal consciousness is just one aspect of human consciousness. It is not the whole ball of wax. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Let’s come back to anxiety and risk avoidance. Kierkegaard said, “anxiety is the best educator.” Those things that cause anxiety have something to teach us. And, we really do want to learn. That’s also part of human nature.
So learning is necessary if we want to have healthier relationships with others: our kids and others at home as well as others at work. We want also to have a healthier relationship with ourselves. We, most of us, want to be more effective at what we do and have more fun while doing it better.
One definition of insanity is to repeat the same behaviors and expect different results. It’s nuts ! But because the final common pathway of learning is mistake-making, the scared one is anxious. But that anxiety is what Kierkegaard called the “dizziness of freedom.”
We are no longer trapped in the metaphorical prison of the familiar. We hold the key to unlock ourselves and experience the freedom that is unique to our species. We are not like the panther Rilke wrote about in his poem. Rilke visited a zoo and observed a panther over several weeks. He saw what many of us have seen. What does the caged jungle cat do when not sleeping or eating? It paces back and forth in the cage.
And what does that caged cat do if a visitor tries to get his attention? It keeps pacing. Here is the poem, The Panther translated by Robert Bly.
“From seeing and seeing the seeing no longer sees anything anymore,
The world is made of bars, a hundred thousand bars and behind the bars, nothing.
The lithe swinging of that easy rhythmical stride that slowly circles down to a single point
Is like a dance of energy around a hub in which a great will stands stunned and numb.
At times, a shape enters, slips past the tightened silence of the shoulders
Enters the heart and dies.”
The panther knows, has leaned, not to pay attention to the world outside the bars. He has to wait for someone to unlock the prison door. But we, fellow “scaredy cats,” live within the limits of our own choosing.
The door that connects us to our freedom opens from the inside. There is an adventure to be lived, our own unique adventure, but we cannot have an adventure without risk. And with risk comes stress and anxiety, the “dizziness of freedom.”
You say, “yes, but, . . .I have tried stepping out there, and fell on my face. I took the risk of getting into a relationship . . .
. . .I took the risk of telling the boss my honest opinion. . .
. . .I took the risk of becoming vulnerable . . .
. . .and all I got was my feelings of inadequacy reinforced.”
“So, I would be crazy to try it again.”
“Maybe so, but . . .”
“But what?”
“Do you want to spend your life as a ‘scaredy cat?’”
Just kidding. Honor that part of you that is scared. Don’t deny the anxiety. Accept it as part of the price of freedom. But your feelings of inadequacy and your fears don’t have to keep you from trying again and again and again.
And if you end up with egg on your face, eat it willingly. It is soul food. It is fuel for growth. You are growing as you attempt the new. And the effort you expend, even if you get shot down, is not wasted. It is energy spent earning new learning.
We earn our learning the old fashioned way, one mistake at a time.
Don’t use your failures as excuses to reinforce your feelings of inadequacy. Give yourself a break! Use my line. “I’m slow, but trainable.” It may take me longer than most, but there’s nothing I can’t learn. Just because I have feelings of inadequacy, doesn’t mean I’m inadequate.
Maybe William Blake is right, “Even the fool that persists in his folly, will become wise.”
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