When last we visited, I brought out into the open a secret that we all share, regardless of our unique differences. That secret is: we all have feelings of inadequacy and insecurity - regardless of age or achievement. I would like to name that part as the ‘scared one.’
The ‘scared one’ inside the psyche is very concerned with being exposed to the outside world. His/her fear is that, if constant vigilance is not maintained, someone may discover the truth. We are not what we seem.
In other words, the persona, the mask we display to the world hides the real us below, just out of sight. We expend energy maintaining the facade to protect the ‘scared one’ within.
Here, we can see the exquisite logic of many relationship problems.
When we plumb the depths of the psyche we find the ‘scared one’ projecting images to the surface of life that compensate. Example: the ‘scared one’ has an evil twin, the ‘Big Guy/Gal.’ The‘Big One’ is shown to others only when we are feeling small, ie: inadequate. The bully picks on weaker kids because they are “safe” targets. When the bully runs into the older sibling of his/her victim, who is bigger than he/she is, the bully disappears and the ‘scared one’ is revealed.
The bully’s treatment of another is not a reflection of feelings for the other, but rather reveals feelings for self. When I am feeling great about me, I am meek, tolerant, patient with my children. When I am not feeling so great about me, the ‘Big Guy’ pops out of the psyche. I hate it when that happens! But hey, it’s just psychic compensation.
Let me give you an example. I am the father of four children, four daughters! They are incredible treasures. My vocation includes traveling and working with others around the planet. I had been on the road quite a bit and returned Friday evening feeling guilty about being away from home.
“What kind of husband and father am I anyway?!”
So, I made a plan. Saturday morning I got up with the youngest two, Jordan and Brynn, 4 and 7, and went downstairs. I planned to occupy the young ones downstairs while Alice and Hope, the older two girls and my wife, slept in upstairs. Then, later on when the late-sleeping beauties came down to begin their day, they would see what a great father and husband I was! After all, I kept the little girls out of their rooms so they could enjoy awakening from their slumber at their own pace.
Things went along smoothly for a while, then the worm turned. Brynn and Jordan had been playing quietly after eating their breakfast. My plan was working well, when all of a sudden their play stopped and they went at each other! Their loud battle was going to wake-up the sleepers. So I quickly moved in to separate them.
As I was saying, “you guys need to play separately for a while, to calm and quiet down, so you don’t wake anyone up. Then you can play together again,” Jordan walked over, picked up a bucket of Brynn’s stuff and dumped it on the floor.
I said, “hey, Jordan, I saw what you did. It’s one thing to spill something by accident, but what you did you did on purpose. So here’s the deal. You can play anytime you want, after you pick up what you dumped on the floor.” (Pretty hip parenting, don’t you think?)
But I had to add this caboose... “So why don’t you pick it up, now?”
Jordan folded her arms and stuck out her chin in defiance. Then I knew the game had changed. But, I also knew I had to win! I said “Jordan, did you hear me?”
She turned her head away and stood her ground. My voice got bigger. “Jordan, get over there and pick up that stuff!
She didn’t budge.
With a bigger voice I heard myself say the same thing with a bigger “NOW!” at the end. She turned her head toward me, looked me in the eye and gave me the finger! That’s right! She gave me the bird!
At that point, the ‘Big Guy’ in me grabbed her off the spot she defiantly held, carried her in the other room and placed her underneath the dining room table. We didn’t spank our children. We could shame our children in other ways!
I couldn’t believe it. She gave me the finger. If I had given my father the finger, I wouldn’t have the finger!
I was justifying my abrupt handling of my daughter because of the seriousness of the offense. But a nagging voice from inside began to force its way into my awareness. It said, “Gee, she’s only 4 years old. I wonder if she knows what that means?”
Do you think I wanted to hear that voice? Heck no! I wanted to rationalize my actions as an appropriate response to my child.
But the voice persisted. “Gee, she’s only 4 years old. She probably doesn’t even know what that means.”
As this voice repeated itself, I finally relented. You know, she is only 4 years old and she probably does not know what she just did. She is probably just repeating a gesture she has seen other kids in the neighborhood give or on TV. Uh Oh! I just screwed up!
I walked in the other room and crawled under the table. Jordan was sitting there holding her blanky and sucking her thumb. I said, “Jordan, do you know what that means?” My fingers displayed the protruding third digit. She shook her head revealing her ignorance.
By now I was feeling quite small anyway, but when she signaled her not-knowingness, I became minute. I said, “Jordan, I am so sorry. I over-reacted. Someday I’ll explain what it means. But it’s not nice. I love you and I am so sorry.”
With that, the thumb came out of her mouth, a wall of tears came down her cheeks, and we embraced there under the table.
Tears were running down my face also as we connected. The warmth of that moment stood in stark contrast to the frigid temperature of the previous exchange.
When I thought about it later, I wondered about my behavior and how I love my children dearly, so why would I treat one so?
Well, guess what? It didn’t have anything to do with them. My treatment of Jordan was a reflection of how I was feeling about me.
Remember, I wanted to be seen as a great father and husband for taking care of the youngsters Saturday morning. Why did I need to be the hero? Could it be I was feeling guilty about my recent absence? And, furthermore, didn’t that have something to do with my treatment of Jordan. Feeling small, I acted Big. If I had been feeling great about me, I would not have added the caboose. I would have just said, “. . . you can play anytime you want, after you choose to pick up what you dumped on the floor.”
Then, if she would have begun to play prior to picking up Brynn’s stuff, all I would have had to do was clear my throat and she would have probably altered her behavior, secondary to the “observer effect.” Her behavior would have changed just by her noticing my observation of her behavior.
Alas, I was not feeling good about me. Worse, I was not observing myself! But that happens. The ‘scared one’ / ‘Big One’ has no self-observation skills. So, he acts out on the world stage, what is unresolved in the psyche. He is not awake. He is asleep at the wheel. Running on automatic pilot he will swerve off course in his relationships and can end up causing harm even to someone he loves.
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