The ‘scared one’ inside the psyche is in a state of constant vigilance. He/She is constantly scanning the environment, both external and internal (inside the mind) for potential attackers. Therefore the ‘scared one’ expends large amounts of energy maintaining a secure perimeter. Should someone get too close, an automatic alarm response is triggered and defenses are fortified. This reaction allows the ‘scared one’ to stay safe behind the walls built to protect him/her.
This also means, however, that we often feel alone, isolated and separate even though we are around other people. The walls built to provide us with safety and security, to protect us, are in fact, prison walls.
We survive our lives in psychological cells tapping out sounds that we hope someone, someday will decipher as an S.O.S. But when a liberator comes, when someone listens past the words, we hear ourselves say; “Did I say that? I didn’t say that! I didn’t mean it that way. I’m fine. I can handle it!”
But what we mean is tap, tap, tap tap tap, tap, tap. . .don’t believe me, keep probing, just don’t let anyone else know. Ask me another way. And we just keep putting out the Same Old Shit!!
To compensate for our feelings of inadequacy, we project images of adequacy. The ‘scared one’ doesn’t want to be seen as inadequate so to compensate, he/she projects a (+) plus so as not to risk being seen as a (-) minus.
So we dress for success as we act like we’re on top of things, showing “no fear” even though our knees are knocking, and we don’t have a clue what to do next. This adolescent approach to life can last until a significant emotional event shatters the status quo. Even then, it’s amazing how long we can hold on to the old habitual response patterns.
A dear friend told me about a family tragedy. His brother’s son committed suicide. When he talked to his brother, who, by the way, never even called him after this loss, said, “I’m doing all right. In my line of work, I’ve had a lot of experience with this.” His brother worked in law enforcement.
The ‘scared one’ inside always stays safe. Even people we see as powerful, people that are leaders in their fields have a ‘scared one’ trying to maintain a public posture that compensates. We see them as confident and secure when, in actuality, they are hiding behind their protective facades.
To risk exposure, to let down their guard, could open the flood gates and the world would rush in to take advantage of their vulnerability.
I recently did some consulting work with a Fortune 500 company. Prior to doing a presentation, I was visiting with the leader of the group that hired me. He was in charge of the largest group in the country and had earned his position through results obtained in former roles. He is a driver and a star performer.
We were discussing the agenda for the day. I suggested some risk-taking on his part, letting people see another side of him. His response was interesting. “These people have never seen the real me. I’m not like this. In fact, my own family has never seen the real me. It is only with a few people that I feel safe enough to relax and let down my guard. Most people don’t know what I’m like.”
He feels trapped and stressed out to the point that he wonders what effects on his health might accrue. His company recently reorganized, and he is feeling the pressure of his increased responsibilities and the need for results.
By the way, when I queried about results to date, he said they were at 97% of goal in one area and exceeding goal in all other areas. But, he said, for the first time in his life he questioned whether it was worth the price he was paying. He also said that his family had noticed the strain, and he questioned the job he was doing at home as husband and father.
He had not taken more than a week’s vacation in many years though his position and tenure with the company provided him with much more time off. Here is a man who grabbed the brass ring and is making the “big bucks,” yet he hasn’t reached a critical mass of success that would allow him to break out of his self-constructed prison and feel safe enough to reveal himself to the world.
I don’t think this business leader is that different than many successful business people. I think a great deal of wealth has been built by people compensating for their ‘scared one.’ The drive to succeed, to prove value and worth to the world often comes from the ‘scared one’s’ need to compensate for feelings of inadequacy.
The problem is, that vacuum inside the psyche can never be filled from the outside-in. He will never reach the critical mass of success, wealth or notoriety needed to allow him to open up. As long as it’s a matter of how much, it will never be enough.
It is only when you quit caring about the score, that you win this game. Then you can do what Rumi suggested, “Go start some huge foolish project like Noah. It makes absolutely no difference what people think of you.”
When we quit defending the perimeter, when we let go of our concern for our image in the eyes of others, we discover how much energy we were consuming. The leak plugged, that energy now becomes available for “huge foolish projects.”
Although we all have feelings of inadequacy, it doesn’t mean we’re inadequate. When we stop being paranoid and defensive, the energy available is enormous. We tap into a reservoir , or better yet, a stream, a flow of something life-giving, nourishing, potent.
You see, we not only have a ‘scared one’ inside, we also have a ‘sacred one.’ The ‘sacred one’ has limitless possibilities for growth and development. Seeded within each of us is a radiant core that we can mine. This ore is not “fool’s gold.” It is the real thing! Though, when tapped and brought forward into the field of action, the world may see us as foolish.
This type of leader sees him/herself as a servant. This leader doesn’t win by intimidation using the evil twin of the ‘scared one,’ ‘the Big One,’ to squeeze performance out of people. This leader knows who is in hiding in his/her own psyche and so knowing has learned much about those he/she leads and serves.
This dual knowledge, the knowledge of the paradoxical nature of the human psyche allows this leader to serve with awareness. With this awareness, no interaction with another is aimed at reinforcing feelings of inadequacy. To the contrary, the energy exchange is aimed at connecting to the ‘sacred one,’ creating a psychological and social space for the expression of giftedness.
This leader does what Goethe suggested: “Treat people as they are and they remain that way. Treat them as though they were what they are capable of becoming and you will help them move toward that which they are capable.”
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