We have been discussing a secret we all share, yet rarely reveal to anyone. That is, we all have feelings of inadequacy / insecurity and we have named that part of us, the ‘scared one.’ We all have a ‘scared one’ inside. All males, regardless of age or achievement, have a ‘scared guy’ inside. All females, regardless of age or achievement, have a ‘scared gal’ inside.
The ‘scared one’ inside us is fully formed once we learn to be ashamed of ourselves. This was learned from those we were dependent upon early in our development. We learned to do things the “right way” by trial and error. When we erred, we got our feelings of inadequacy reinforced.
“No, don’t do it like that, stupid, do it like this.” “Come on now, pay attention. You know better than that.” “Come on. You’re not using your brain. Did your brain fall out?”
To compensate for our feelings of inadequacy, we want to show how adequate we are.
We, as parents, show how adequate we are through the performance of our children. I mean, how many of us heard our parents say, “Now remember, when you go over there you're a reflection on our whole family. So don’t pick your nose or scratch yourself. Stand up, for Pete’s sake. Don’t slouch around like that. How many times do I have to tell you to stand up straight? And look at those shoes. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself. I told you to polish them yesterday!”
Because our children demonstrate our competence as parents we have seen bumper stickers appear on the scene. “Proud parent of HONOR ROLL student at Maplewood School.
The unwritten message is “I am an adequate parent. Just wanted you to know so I put it on the car.” You may have seen the take-off on these. “My kid beat up your honor roll student.” The unwritten statement is “I'm adequate too!”
I thought we needed another bumper sticker. “Proud parent, regardless of their grades, my kids have an “A” in my book.” “A” for love and acceptance, regardless of their performance on the world’s stage. So I had them printed.(bowenwhite.com if interested)
Can we affirm, affirm, affirm our children unconditionally? I’m not saying catch ‘em being good. I’m saying remind them and ourselves, often, that they are radiant gems that have come through us into the world. We have them for a short time on their journey.
We need to do everything we can to create a safe, loving environment for learning. For learning is required for them to be able to take their place in the larger community. Learning is required for them to have the internal where-with-all to thrive in the jungle that is the world.
And the final common pathway for learning is mistake-making. When mistakes happen, we need to focus on the learning that is gained rather than the mistake that is made. We don’t want to reinforce our child’s feelings of inadequacy, but we do want our children to learn new things. And anything worth learning, is worth failing at.
You see, the ‘scared one’ inside us feels safe when doing what is familiar. Repeating behaviors in which we have already established adequacy allows the ‘scared one’ to feel secure, to feel safe. Safety and security are the most important elements to the risk averse ‘scared one’.
To do the new or novel is to put the ‘scared one’ in a position where there is a high risk. If we risk failing at the task or if we try a new behavior in response to familiar stimuli, the ‘scared one’ risks exposure. So there is a great deal of psychological inertia that has to be overcome to break out of old patterns, even if they don’t work anymore.
As for children, their gaze is upon us. They watch us and model what they see. How much healthy risk taking do they see? Let’s say some change happens at work.
By the way, have you noticed there are a few changes happening at work? Oh, I know, there are also plenty of changes happening at home. Change is everywhere apparent. In fact, it is the one constant in life. Yet dealing with change is stressful.
Eric Hoffer said, “In times of change, it is the learner who inherits the earth, while the learned finds himself beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists.”
How do our children see us responding? In fact, how did we see our own parents respond when they were stressed? Was the stressful event used as an opportunity for learning something new or an excuse to go for an unhealthy coping strategy ? Here's one from the past:
“Boy, you wouldn’t believe what those idiots did today! With that kind of management, this company is in for big trouble.”
“What happened?”
“Well, everything has been going along fine. The business is growing. We’re making more money. And now they want to gum up the whole works.”
“What do you mean?”
They want us to change the way we do things. They actually want us to put everything on computer. Do you know how long it’s gonna take. It’s crazy. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. This whole computer thing is just a fad. It won’t last. So we’ll switch everything over then be stuck switching back to the way we’re doing business now. It’s nuts!
“So, what are you going to do?”
“What am I going to do!? I’m going to fix myself a drink. Then I’m going to fix another. In fact, I think I’ll just mix up a pitcher. Care to join me?”
“Sure, but dinner won’t be ready for a while, so take it easy.”
“Don’t try to tell me what to do. And why isn’t dinner ready, yet!? You sit around all day, the least you could do is have a man’s dinner ready when he comes home. I’m gonna watch TV. Call me when it’s time to eat.
“Okay. I’m sorry. But you don’t have to yell. Just go in and try to forget about it. You’re all upset. I’ll call when dinner’s ready.”
The child observing this interaction watches in innocence. The grownups act out unaware that their performance demonstrates psychic compensation and risk avoidance.
The father is at-risk at work because he will have to learn how to do something new. His ‘scared guy’ felt safe doing things in which he has established adequacy. Now he’ll have to learn something new and what if he fails? He risks being seen as inadequate. His anxiety is masked to others by his anger.
Feeling small, he acts out with a big voice as the evil twin of the ‘scared one’, the ‘Big One’ appears. The ‘Big One’ only appears when we feel little. His fears are then medicated away with alcohol after he reinforces his wife’s feelings of inadequacy by putting her down. The TV also serves as an entertaining distraction from his interior discomfort. It also puts control back into his own hands, albeit remote control!
Mom tries to placate her husband by apologizing even though she may have done nothing wrong. By doing so she avoids a confrontation and models a behavior for the observing child. The ‘scared one’ within the child needs to feel safe at home and when there is tension between the grownups invisible sensors in the child’s psyche make note. The child feels the tension and learns from mom to avoid the risk of confrontation. No healthy risk taking here!
There is learning, however. First, change is bad. Second, when change happens hold on to something familiar, that you can count on to help you cope. Third, deny the actual reality of the situation and then you can avoid the risk of doing something unfamiliar or new. As a good friend of mine says:
“I have two constant companions, two friends who never desert me. No matter what happens they are always there. I have never faced a problem, crisis or situation I couldn’t handle with their help. Even in the middle of the night, they are there to comfort me. Those two friends? Denial and avoidance.”
Know ‘em? I do. Next time we’ll explore looking risk in the eye and see how anxiety may be the “dizziness of freedom”.
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